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7 July 2008

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Sometimes my thoughts attack me while I am supposed to be sleeping.
Earlier my baby girl came into my room and jokingly asked me to rub her back.
And I jokingly told her no.
And she said that I would rub the dog’’s back and I scratched the nape of her neck and stroked her hair and said, “yes but it would be more like this.”
And we both laughed and then we talked a little bit more and she went into her room
And now I am wide awake and it is after 4 am and I am realizing that I didn”t rub her back and I am thinking how terrible it would be if I never got the opportunity to do it again.
And now I am thinking about how when my kids were smaller, all I had to do was rub their backs no matter what the circumstances were and it would instantly soothe them.
But they are so much older now.
I have given my children to God my hands seem so helpless when it comes to them now.
One on the cusp of adulthood, and the other a blossoming young lady.
I feel as if I can only guard them with my heart now, my hands are so not enough.
I have to believe that there is a power higher than me watching over them as they move away from my watchful eye into independence.

These are the things that keep a mother up at night. These are the things that make her pray.

And I know deep down inside that no matter how big they get or where their lives take them, as long as we all have life and I pray that is for a long long time.

I may not be able to read to them on my lap or pick them up and hold them close, but I do know that they will never be too big for me to simply rub their backs… even if it is only with my heart.

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